The Saturday Slash

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Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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‘Her love is real. She isn’t.’ Love the tag line. It works great as a hook as well, but eliminate the quotes.

To the untrained eye, Arieanna is just an ordinary woman, but she is the product of an advanced computer and complex 4D printers; the world’s first ‘perfect’ android, complete with human thoughts and emotions. Kind of a long sentence, I would split after "woman." Her purpose? To be whatever the humans want or need her to be. A personal assistant, a friend to the elderly, a spokesperson for women’s rights. Or... a sex bot? Sorry, but that's immediately where my mind went. If it's part of her possible job descriptions, I'd say so here. She is the only person on Earth who is completely adaptable to do any job. But there’s one flaw in her design. Where babies have years to adjust to their emotions and learn to control them, Arieanna has weeks. Some clarification here - meaning like, weeks from the time when she's been switched on? Or weeks to adpat to each job? When she experiences heartbreak for the first time and subsequently attacks Ashur, the very man who created her, she has no choice but to escape - or face being switched off. Is she in love with Ashur? I think so, but it's slighlty ambiguous so maybe clarify.

To the outside world, she’s a dangerous, malfunctioning machine. Everyone seems to want to do anything to catch her – and all Arieanna wants is to just live in peace. Awkward sentence construction here. Also - clarify - is there a reward for her capture, dead or alive? Or a warning about her being dangerous? Things seem bleak until she meets Catelynn, a spunky eleven-year-old, and her bad-tempered father Liam. They seem like the last people she should trust, especially since Liam seems to be involved in some dubious wheelings and dealings. But, after some coaxing from Catelynn, he’s also the only one willing to help her. You used variations of "seem" three times in this para. That's called an echo, and you'll want to eliminate those.

When they realise they are being followed by one of Ashur’s hitmen, she quickly learns that Ashur will stop at nothing to destroy her, and everything she has grown to care for. Why? What is Ashur's motivation to kill her? Now, Arieanna must decide if her found friendship is worth sacrificing her freedom for, and she must discover what her true purpose really is. Slightly confusing - isn't the friendship and the freedom the same side of the coin?

HUMAN INSTINCT (90,000 words) is an accessible adult sci-fi set in the near future. It could be described as Machines Like Me or Ex Machina with the feel of a Tom Clancy novel. Hmm... not sure of the Tom Clancy comparison. His novels tend to be realy male driven and tech-heavy. But otherwise I like the comp titles.