The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

In UNTIL DEATH DO US SEW, Corpse Bride meets a sapphic Hades and Persephone when a reclusive seamstress who sews emotion into wedding gowns is pulled into the realm of Death itself. I mean, I'm in!

Inessa has spent ten years hidden inside her atelier I admit to having to Google this word. Others may have to as well, concealing a dangerous gift. Every dress she sews carries raw emotion, powerful enough to destroy whoever wears it. Desperate for a life where her existence cannot harm anyone, her self-imposed isolation is shattered when a mysterious client commissions a gown using the wrong measurements. Can't she just pass on the request? Later on, the grieving groom collects the garment at midnight and the cursed dress opens a passage straight to the Underworld. Okay, so I'm still definitely in. But I guess my big question is why doesn't she just not do that for a living then?

There, Inessa meets Morrigan, the immortal shadow entity ruling the dead. Instead of fearing Inessa's curse, Morrigan offers her a purpose as the tailor of souls, restoring the dead’s identities through shadow and thread. But as Inessa falls for her host, she discovers a terrifying truth. She is the fifteenth seamstress Morrigan has lured there, and the previous fourteen were consumed once their magic ran dry.By who / what? Yet the cycle has fractured. For the first time in four centuries, Morrigan cannot bring herself to destroy her captive, proving that the tenderness growing between them is not part of the trap. Awkward phrasing here, I'd put this more like Morrigan feels tenderness growing in spite of knowing the eventual outcome

Inessa can flee and return to a life of isolation and a gift she cannot control. Well I mean, once again, why doesn't she just do data processing or something like that? Or she can finish the coat she has begun sewing for Morrigan, threading four centuries of grief, guilt, and buried love into every seam, forcing Morrigan to feel everything she has spent centuries suppressing. Magic demands a price. To finish it, Inessa must pour the last of her gift into the stitches. The cost, whatsoever, will be her hands, and with them, the only craft that has ever given her life meaning. So this is over all super great. But there's that big question of - why not just do something else then? I'm also curious why she's sewing a coat for Morrigan and why that coat would have a different outcome than the dresses she's made in the real world.

UNTIL DEATH DO US SEW is a 99,000 words adult gothic fantasy romance. It is Mexican Gothic meets A Dowry of Blood with the atmospheric dread of Belladonna, featuring high-fashion necromancy, slow-burn emotional manipulation, and a monster who forgets how to be cruel. I am a Brazilian biomedical scientist currently based in Italy. When I am not writing gothic romance about entities with terrible emotional regulation, I am studying biotechnology and explaining to my professors why the human body is just a dark fantasy with extra steps. UNTIL DEATH DO US SEW is my English-language debut. Awesome bio, well done. Your word count might be a little high for a debut, so I'd consider attempting to whittle it down, if possible. However, the premise is so interesting that I wouldn't be surprised if you get partial or full requests even with a high word count. Like I said, the biggest thing here for me is the question of motivation - why doesn't she just do something else for a living? Or refuse wedding dress orders, if she knows whoever wears it will die?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am currently seeking representation for FURY THE LAST RAIDER, which is the first installment of a five-part series. Firstly, I honestly don't think it's useful to state that you are seeking representation - you queried them. They know that. Secondly, you don't want to hear this but you're not going to get this off the ground with a traditional publisher as a five part series. Fantasy crested, and the trend is on it's way out (if you ask me). A trad publisher isn't going to want to get behind a five book series in a genre that is declining, or take a 5-book risk on a debut author, as well. You need to find a way to make this capable of standing on it's own, with sequeal potential.

Alvi Daine does not want revenge. He needs it. This is a good hook!

Words like ‘honor’ and ‘justice’ no longer hold weight for Alvi after the genocide of his clan. Now he is the last survivor of a once thriving society wiped out by the greed of an ever-expanding imperialist enterprise. But revenge comes at a cost. The opportunity to kill the man responsible for the slaughter of Alvi’s kin is weighed against the risk of a full-on ethnic cleansing. Is there a limit to how far Alvi will go for his revenge? So this is using a wide brush and it could apply to a lot of books, which means it's not distinguishing yours as anything new or special. Revenge, a "last one of his kind" vibe, followed by a huge leap into ethnic-cleansing. You're also ending with a rhetorical question, which is never a good idea. I don't see the plot thread here, other than Bad things Happen > Now he might do bad things > Is that bad?

Dune meets Pirates of the Caribbean in FURY THE LAST RAIDER; an emotional, high-stakes, adult fantasy set in ‘the Fury’ - a desolate wasteland filled with desert pirates and fire-breathing monsters. But what does that have to do with anything? But... is it funny? Pirates of the Caribbean is definitley funny. If this isn't humourous (and I'm not seeing that here) I woudn't use that comp. Complete at 78k words and told from multiple perspectives, If it's told from multiple POVs there needs to be more than one character present in the query this gritty, suspenseful atmosphere will appeal to readers of the The Shadow Of The Gods series and The Aeronaut’s Windlass.

I graduated with a Bachelor’s of Science in psychology from Utah Valley University. This will be my debut novel. Thank you for taking the time to read my work, I will be happy to send you a copy of the full manuscript upon request. Don't say it's your debut, they're assuming that. If you can find a way to tie your degree in psychology (and I bet you can) to the book you're querying, that would be beneficial.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to seek representation for DIE FOR ME AGAIN, a high-concept upmarket novel blending speculative elements with psychological suspense. The manuscript is complete at 119,000 words. So, right off I'm going to point toward your word count. It's not impossible that being over 100k means you won't get an agent, but it's definitley not making it easier for you. I'd adviseto get this down to at least 90k, if not 85k.

What if the best way to teach someone empathy was to make them live through other people's deaths? Interesting hook, but the wording isn't straightforward. Do you mean that they experience someone else's death? It's just difficult to parse the sentence "live though other people's death." I reread it twice. If what you're saying is that they experience the death, use that wording and it becomes much more clear.

In 2060s London, Kilo designs theatre stages and indulges in first-class cynicism nourished by his excellent and useless classical education. I feel his pain. All the while, he suffers from a strange affliction: a limited ability to read and express emotions. I don't know what this means. He can't read other people's emotions well? And struggles to exprss his own? Does he feel them but not express them? I have a limited understanding of autism, but that was the first thing I thought when I read this. I don't know if that's what your aim is, but my brain made that leap and I'm sure others will too. When a self-driving car crashes into Kilo on his way to the theatre, he wakes up in the body of a stranger—Klara, hiding in a basement in a distant distance by geography or distance through time? war zone in the 2020s. The basement teems with civilians facing impossible choices: admitting newcomers to an overcrowded space, rationing limited supplies, risking a scouting trip under the whistles of weapons. Not totally sure on the wording here either. I associate "whistles" with care free attitude, which is clearly not what this is implying. It's not wrong, per se, but it did bump me out of the query. While trying to grasp where he’s landed, Kilo remains unfazed by the suffering, including the torments of Klara’s friend Josephine, who is frantically searching for her daughter. Meanwhile, Kilo’s ghosts—childhood abuse, failed relationships, and unfulfilled professional dreams—slowly unravel. Why? How are these things connected?

When an aerial bomb drops on their hiding place, three survivors, including Kilo and Josephine, scramble to flee the city. A face-off with enemy troops reveals that Kilo’s reincarnation as Klara is only the first in a string of ‘placements’ into the lives of other people, shortly before they are due to die. Not understanding how facing off enemy troops would trigger that reveal. Until he manages to prevent the impending death, he won’t be returned to his pre-accident life.But he was miserable in his pre-accident life anyway, right? So why would he fight to return to it? Feeling watched, Kilo suspects a darker design behind the cycle of ‘placements’. Like what? This isn't a great way to end a query. I don't understand why he feels like he's being watched, or what the darker deseign might be.

This needs to see some pretty serious re-working. What does the main character want? What stands in their way of getting it? What is at stake if they don't manage it? Like I said above, Kilo wasn't happy in his 2060's life, so I don't see a real reason for him to fight to get back to it. Also, I don't see how living out Clara's death makes him feel emotions more clearly, or really what the actual condition is in the first place. Does he have an acutal "affliction" or is he just a total narcissist? Honestly in some ways this is just reading to me like a Christmas Carol reboot - someone with weak connections to other humans has to go through difficult experiences in order to find their path. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, of course, but I'm just unlear on what Kilo's actual issue is, and more importantly, not fully understanding what is at risk, who is pulling the strings, and what the "darker" plan might be.

DIE FOR ME AGAIN combines the gradual unravelling of a dystopian system in The Compound by Aisling Rawle with the mystery surrounding the protagonist's identity in The Strange Case of Jane O. by Karen Thompson Walker. Is there a question of identity surrounding Kilo that the reader doesn't see? Or are you just saying he was Kilo, became Klara, and needs to get back to being Kilo?

When I’m not writing, I practise human rights law, dividing my time between London and Amsterdam. A former refugee myself, I have worked with victims of war for many years. In that job, like in writing, emotional insight is everything. I also run a writing club and daydream about becoming a full-time writer. Good comps and strong bio. I just need ton have a better feeling of how Kilo's affliction, the time travel, and this darker pattern all come together.